In case you missed any of the late night shows lately (or the twisted humor of Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert), here’s what they’ve been joking about:
“It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, ‘I don’t know.'”
“This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he’s in, knock on the door… Now they send it right to your house.”
“We have got to get our financial house in order, folks. But the Chicken-Little Democrats are so worried the U.S. will default on its loans that they want to raise the U.S. debt ceiling. Come on! We already raised the debt ceiling under President Bush! That is so 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, and twice in 2008!”
President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be giving three explanations as to why his score is actually better than it appears. -Jay Leno
“HBO is producing a new movie about crooked investor Bernie Madoff, starring Robert DeNiro. It’s called Meet the Focker Who Stole All My Money.”
“The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that’s what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens.”
Clip of Wolf Blitzer speaking: [Eric Cantor] wants there to be cuts in other federal spending in order to justify providing this [emergency tornado] financial assistance to people in Missouri.
Jon Stewart’s response: Right now elephants from a Missouri circus are helping clear heavy debris from the tornado. Which means, when it comes to helping Joplin, Missouri residents, actual elephantsare more useful to them than the GOP.
-The Daily Show
“I think Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin would be the perfect ticket. She can’t answer basic questions, and he has two answers for every question.”
“I heard about a retirement home in California that’s growing its own medical marijuana. Or as the residents put it: ‘Who wants to visit grandma now, you whippersnappers?’”
“Dick Cheney has a new book coming out August 30. It doesn’t have a title yet, Might I suggest a few? ‘How to Shoot Friends and Influence People,’ ‘A Dick for All Seasons,’ ‘Torture in the Rye’…”
“Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it’s resignation, and then you appear on ‘Dancing With the Stars.'” –David Letterman
“Democrats don’t share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it’s a gay scandal! They’re not tweeting love letters. They’re tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!” –Stephen Colbert
“I mean, call me old fashioned. But I long for simpler times and common sense values. I want to leave our grandchildren an America where Congressmen bang their secretaries. Sorry if there’s no app for that.” –Stephen Colbert
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