June 1, 2012 — Faster than a silver-tongued OPC! More stubborn than a sales guest from Missouri! Able to overcome objections and pull credit cards in a single bound! Look! Up in the sky! It’s a developer! It’s Executive Management! (–NO–) It’s SuperRep!
Yes, SuperRep… odd sales professional from another world, who came to planet Timeshare Land with selling and closing powers far beyond those of mortal Schleps, who can open closed minds like a parachute, turn vacation dreams into family realities with mere words, and who, disguised as Professor P. Caspar Biddle, a mild-mannered sales rep and bird watcher for BreezyPorkbutt Vacation Club (BVC), fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice and the Timeshare Way!
And now for another exciting episode in the Adventures of SuperRep!
(The characters in this episode are purely fictional. Any similarities between them and mere mortals are purely coincidental.)
As rumors of more slashed commissions and bonuses circulated around the sales center the mild-mannered Caspar Biddle (aka “the Professor”) listened intently to his fellow workers’ concerns and worries.
Simultaneously, with his super-hearing capabilities, the Professor also overheard raucous laughter coming from the corporate office down the street where the Senior Accountant for BVC, Ms. Penny Pinche-Cruncher, was finalizing her address before the Developer and members of the Board.
Listening keenly and with one eyebrow raised above his eyeglass frame, Biddle heard Ms. PPC conclude:
“And there you have it Board Members. As my presentation, report, spreadsheets and ledgers clearly demonstrate (including sections 18, 37, 82 and 129), with an increase in sales and the raising of consumer FICO scores there is an opportunity to lower sales and marketing commissions.
“Naturally, when we make the announcement to the Schleps we’ll lead them to believe that by meeting the new sales quotas outlined in section 249 of my report they won’t be losing any income.
“Of course, as you can see Gentlemen, they will now have to produce 26 full down processable transactions each month to qualify for bonus. And to earn the bonus all BVC client contracts the rep sells now have to make 12 timely monthly payments instead of the previous 6.”
Hearing the diabolical plan followed by roars of approval, cheers and an almost maniacal laughter, Caspar used his x-ray vision to pierce through the walls for a closer inspection and witnessed the Board members glad-handing and slapping one another on the backs, lighting illegally-imported hand rolled Cuban cigars with one-hundred dollar bills and toasting Ms. Pinche-Cruncher with an endless supply of limited edition 1966 Dom Perignon.
Back in the sales center where the reps continued to discuss the rumors, the Professor nonchalantly began to loosen his tie while making his way to the gift center. Stopping at the stock room door he took off his glasses, glanced up and down the hall before he entered and then— out the window and UP UP and AWAY! SuperRep winged his way to the corporate offices.
Swooping down, SuperRep ripped apart the 12-inch thick iron bars on the windows with his hands of steel, then smashed the bullet-proof glass and blew the Koa wood gold-lined double corporate doors (all put in place to protect the executives from “evil doers”) off their Platinum hinges.
As SuperRep entered he briefly paused to wipe the debris off and then stood arms akimbo at the entrance. As the dust settled Ms. Pinche-Cruncher fearfully screamed, “OMG! It’s SuperRep!”
Equally horrified, the Developer and Board members began hurling their Cuban Cigars, crystal glasses full of Dom and their hors d’oeuvres (that included smoked salmon w/capers, bruschetta w/white bean puree, caviar, citrus bruschetta and bacon wrapped scallops) at SuperRep. But to no avail!
As the expensive delicacies bounced off his manly chest he walked towards Ms. Pinche-Cruncher and, using his e-ray vision, ignited the 320-page report, ledgers and spreadsheets. And as they burned he turned to the Developer and Board members, who were all now cowering behind their chairs trembling and pleading for mercy.
SuperRep spoke: “I remind you all, here and now. Your sales and marketing team has been loyal and dedicated to you all, most of us for years. We have endured many policy changes that have affected our income and we yet we continued on. If, however, these new policies that you are discussing today are put in place then the entire sales and marketing staff has agreed to exercise their lawful ‘At Will’ option and immediately move on to another project.
“At the same time, and faster than a speeding bullet, we’ll also exercise our lawful right to post our personal opinions all over the Internet regarding your policies, for reps the world over to judge; and once that happens then the next time you people meet you’ll be drinking Ripple wine, chewing tobacco and eating teeny weenies!
And that is not a threat, gentlemen, it’s a SuperRep promise!”
Then, just before soaring away, SuperRep turned to Penny and told her: “And as for you, Ms. Penny Pinche-Cruncher, I highly suggest you give up your plush private office, your overpaid salary, company car, long lunch breaks, five-day work week, afternoon delights, bonuses and perks and come join the sales staff on a commission-only basis.
“Come walk a couple miles in our shoes, young lady. It is there, and nowhere else, you’ll find the very people who fill the coffers with millions and millions of dollars and who have provided you, this Developer and this Board a cushy lifestyle that you all have surely come to cherish and certainly don’t want to lose!”
“Then, after you’ve had your fill of our working realities and return to the comfort of your cozy corporate salary and position, and decide to write up another report demonstrating methods to lower operational costs, well, you can start with the Executive compensation, the Dom, the hors d’oeuvres and maybe a few of those Cuban cigars. And leave the ‘money-makers’ alone.
“In fact, give us that long-overdue , well deserved/earned raise in commissions, spiffs and bonuses because without us, you’ve got nothing!”
And off he flew, leaving the executives in stunned silence.
Moments later he reappeared as mild-mannered Caspar Biddle in the sales center, where the reps were still discussing the rumored cuts to their livelihood. Adjusting his glasses and clearing his throat, he raised his hand and said, “Hey gang, I have an idea…”
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