January 11, 2013 — The abuse of prescription drugs by the “middle class” is epidemic in the United States and authorities report it is spreading at such an alarming rate that today it has surpassed their lust for illegal drugs. The nation is in a crisis mode, which is why I am calling for the immediate drug testing and full background checks on everyone associated directly or indirectly with our beloved timeshare industry.
So here’s the scoop. Despite the false notion that there is a drug addicted anorexic dirty adult homeless man, woman, teen or child on every street corner across the nation picking or scratching their scab-ridden limbs and gobbling up all the drugs the truth is the vast number of users of both legal and illegal drugs (and booze) are those from the “working class” and all the way up the food chain to the exceedingly wealthy.
So in order to eradicate the problem from our industry we need to start testing all existing timeshare owners in the same manner some companies screen potential & existing employees. When owners arrive at their home resort (or on an exchange) we need mom, dad, little Mary and Johnny and any acquaintances traveling with them to immediately report to a pre-screening area prior to allowing them to check in for a ‘slice of paradise’.
There they must pass urine and blood analysis as well as hair follicle, saliva, and breath alcohol tests. Once that is completed and if they pass they move to the next stage which includes a full criminal records background check revealing all misdemeanors and other criminal deeds, etc.
If they pass that phase then it is off to the Character and Behavior Assessments section; then a terrorist clearance through the Department of Homeland Security databases plus scrutiny of their education and employment history as well as any marriage/divorce records and especially those not of the traditional and acceptable nature.
One last stop before they check in for some ‘Sun & Fun’ whereby they’ll be E-Verified to see if they are legally employed (including their citizenship status), a full DMV database search for their driving records and a quick verification of public health records to see if they’ve ever had a STD (sexually transmitted disease), etc.
We should also screen them to see if they belong to any socially unacceptable organizations or unions, including their religious affiliations and a quick multiple choice test will be administered that should disclose any peculiar thoughts, notions or ideas such as strongly held polytheistic beliefs that are just not acceptable.
And while we’re at it we’ll end with a polygraph test and place monitoring devices in all the suites as well, just in case these owners and their guests cross the ‘line’ while on vacation and revert to pagan ways or heathen acts.
We should also run all the sales guests through the same screening process before we ever allow them to sit though a sales presentation and become a Timeshare Owner because we surely don’t need to let any more “riff raff into the room” now do we? Maybe we’ll test the developers too!
To help the cause I’m pleased to announce that I’ve put together a new company and website where any timeshare company interested can order as many Proctosopes, gloves, masks, etc. they so desire, including multiple positioning examination chairs with stirrups and other accessories.
I had them manufactured in Communist China and they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and the prices are great. Plus I will gladly provide volume discounts so give me a shout out and I’ll send a representative out to hook ya up ‘today’, test you for free and maybe even have the rep include a ‘reach-around’ at no additional cost!
Now don’t thank me. I’m just doing my part and trying to be a good American in the “land of the free” where “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…”
So place your volume orders before midnight and we’ll include a Bushmaster .223 assault rifle at no additional cost. Just a modest ‘thank-you’ to our clients who want to rid our timeshare resorts and ‘the biz’ from these dreaded “middle class” (and ‘up’) offenders who are the scourge of our industry, our nation and indeed the world.
Disclaimer: Please be advised that for those having no need of the examination equipment or services offered but who are still interested in the weapons that under the ‘law’ we cannot, and we will not under any circumstances sell or ship them to anyone so please do not ask.
However, as is commonly known, such weapons in many varieties & quantities so desired can be purchased including unlimited 30-round ammo clips (magazines) and boundless boxes of bullets at the next Gun Show in a town near you. And of course, under the law, in that environment, no drug or background checks are required!
To send tips, comments, suggestions, agree and/or disagreements etc. email Scoop: [email protected]
Contributing sometimes extravagant, bombastic, emotional, pompous or even pretentious writings about the timeshare industry, Scoop covers an array of industry related subjects each week including inside information, tips, scandals, interviews, forecasts as well as new (good or bad) products and services--- and, of course, all the 'Good', the 'Bad' and the 'Ugly'.
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