In this political season, as the Democratic National Convention is taking place in Philadelphia, here are some lighthearted jokes about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, primarily quotes from late night TV hosts.
Andy Borowitz: “When Trump talks about how he would smash ISIS, kick twelve million people out of the country and bring China to its knees, just once I would like a reporter to ask, ‘How did your career as a reality show host prepare you to do these things?’ ”
Seth Meyers: “A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.”
Frank Schuchat: “I’m afraid that if Trump wins he’ll leave us for a younger, prettier country.”
Jimmy Fallon: “While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, ‘I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness.’ Then she added, ‘And I will crush anyone who won’t let me do it.'”
Conan O’Brien: “Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling number 1 among Germans of the 1930’s.”
Jimmy Fallon: “The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames.”
@TeaPainUSA: “If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.”
And finally, from George Takei on Facebook: Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?
“I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, ‘What’s 2+2’? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We’ve had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my God, I can’t believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It’s terrible. It’s just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I’ll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It’s probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. You know what, it’s probably more like the number two but with a lot of zeros behind it. A lot. If I’m being honest, I mean, if I’m being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he’s a zero that I don’t like. Though, I probably shouldn’t say that. He’s a nice guy but he’s like, ‘10101000101,’ on and on, like that. He’s like a computer! You know what I mean? He’s like a computer. I don’t know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don’t tell you that, and I’ll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn’t believe it. So, we’re gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me.”
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