I’m concerned I might be getting too old to die young.
People keep saying you can reinvent yourself, but I can’t find my reset button.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Nobody ever tells me I have a gambling problem when I’m winning.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
This has to be the whitest neighborhood ever. The Starbucks has a Trader Joe’s inside of it.
It’s Adam & Eve, not some other website that sells dildos and butt plugs.
I bet those ‘Sister Wives’ play “Rock, Paper, Scissors” when deciding who gives their husband a blowjob.
Buying Sudafed at Walmart was too complicated so I just bought some meth in the parking lot instead.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
U.S. scientists say too much sugar can make you dumb. Think about that the next time someone calls you sweet.
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